New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
