Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't put those talents on a resume
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
