Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Two words: nipple clamps
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