I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
