She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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