Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
