Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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