I'm going to jail i love you
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
