I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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