My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize