Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
