nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
