I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
