On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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