So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
