Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You need a sexual gate keeper
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
