No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
