tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
