took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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