i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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