you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
