There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
