Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This girl is more easily done than said...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
