Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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