Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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