I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
