worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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