He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
