fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
