sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
