U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
