You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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