I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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