I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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