Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Screwed.edu
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
