I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
