Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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