I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
