So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
