Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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