I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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