Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
