I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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