I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
