if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
