when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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