By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can't motorboat a personality
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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