Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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