so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
