I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
