So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
