I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
now i know why i became what i already was.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
either way he was missing a nipple.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
