Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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