She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Btw I puked in your glovebox
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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