don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
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I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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